You want to know something I find incredibly frustrating and has brought great adversity to me this year? RELATIONSHIPS. I really don't understand boys. I don't think I ever will.
Love is very powerful. I've never really fell in love with someone before (that is not family obviously) but I have fallen into a state that I suppose is quite similar. It made me really really happy and I felt that everything in life was pretty great. The guy whom led me into that state made me feel special and appreciated, and his romantic gestures were very new to me and very sweet. However at the end I decided that he wasn't the one and it ended.
At the moment I am in a state of confusion and vulnerability. There's this guy that I like (cue 'ooooooos' and 'aaahhhs' ) and like a page from a typical teen girl's diary, I am not sure if he feels the same way. I have some arguments in support of him also being interested in me but I want more certainty. I need a 95 - 100% certainty not the current 75% level I am currently at. Rejection is a really really painful thing and frankly I have had a fair share of them (though not through confession but through personal realisation discovered when interacting and communicating with them). It hurts.
A bad habit of mine is, if the guy I am keen on does not seem to be keen either, I try my best to withdraw my feelings for him immediately. It is my way to prevent myself from getting too wounded by the rejection. Some might argue that I am not committed but people can say and think whatever they like; I am just trying to protect myself. However yesterday I was talking with a good friend of mine who raised an interesting point: my feelings matter as much as the other person's. What he meant was that I shouldn't rely too much on what his feelings might be. If I like him than I should do what I feel like doing to express my love and to hold on to my feelings for him; I shouldn't solely base it on what he MIGHT be feeling.
I guess the only way to completely ascertain whether he is keen or not is for me to confess. That is something that demands a great deal of courage, undertaking of risk and love. Confessing your feelings for someone puts you in a place of ultimate vulnerability. Fear of rejection is universal and it can really traumatise a person. But I do like this guy and he is one of a kind, and I think there is a real possibility he might feel the same way. I think I might wait a bit to gain greater confidence of this situation before confessing but it is certainly in the back of my mind.
On a lighter note, CHRISTMAS IS IN THREE DAYS TIME. How exciting! My family and I will be in Japan so it will be really cold and kind of exotic being in a foreign place, but as long as I am with my family whom I love so much, I am going to be very content on that special day.
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